Season of Changes

Ever since I was little I have had the worst time with change. It could be the smallest change, such as; I spent the night at a friends house and I came back to my room being reorganized by my mom and I would freak out. It was this overwhelming feeling that would come over me and made me so upset I would cry. I had to have everything in order, everything had a place and if things weren’t done or put how I had it or wanted it, I became very overwhelmed. I later on in life discovered that I suffer from anxiety, stress, and depression. I got prescribed medication and it has helped tremendously. However, I still get overwhelmed and that’s the joy of adulthood and parenthood.

We all develop some sort of overwhelming in our life whether you are having a hard time dealing with/accepting changes and coping with anxiety, stress and depression like me, or you simply get overwhelmed without any other issues involved. I often feel crazy, like I’m all alone in my own mind because people don’t understand or get the way I feel or think. Being a mom is one of the hardest jobs a person can have and men don’t often understand that.

Men think we sit at home all day and just have to make sure the kids don’t get into anything they’re not suppose to, feed them when needed, and all will be well. That is not the case at all, being a mom is literally physically and emotionally exhausting. We have to not only make sure the kids don’t get into anything, but deal with whining and crying and always needing something when all you want to do is sit down for 5 mins to yourself. There is always screaming, a problem to be solved, a tantrum to handle, a butt to be wiped, food to be made, house to be cleaned, clothes to be put away, tears to wipe away, nose to be blown, kiss to give, book to be read, song to be sang; that all these make you feel like you are spinning in circles!

All of these things going on, but what about us? We spend so much time caring for our children and our husbands that we neglect our own thoughts and feelings that create that overwhelming feeling that comes over us, and when that overwhelming feeling comes over us it causes us to break down. We just want to run and hide, to cry and scream, we seek that quiet alone time without someone nagging at us or calling/needing us every minute of the day.

Lately I’ve had a hard time with this, I went from caring for one toddler to taking on the needs for two more. I now take on the role of being not just my child’s mom, but the mom of two others during the week when their parents are busy at work. I know this is where God wants me to be, but as I’ve stated before I hate change and it takes me awhile to get over everything changing around me. So here I am, feeling overwhelmed and alone in my mind trying to keep it all together even though my head is spinning in circles.

I feel like a juggling act…I’m trying to juggle three toddlers, every other night taking my daughter to her dad on my way home, then getting home and trying to keep the high standards I have in place for being a wife. My husband needs dinner, dishes need to be done, house needs to be cleaned, and clothes need to be put away. My husband is very capable of doing all this on his own, and I know that.

But as a wife I feel like it’s my job to have these things done, and that is only because I was a stay at home mom who was home all day with my daughter and I felt like since my husband was working hard I needed to at least have the house all cleaned and organized, and dinner made for him every day. Now that I’m not home all week and get home way after he gets off work, that has changed too. It’s driving me nuts, I want to be able to keep my high standards I have in place, but I know that is impossible and I’m driving myself crazy trying to do so. I’m making myself overly exhausted, that by the end of the night I am ready for bed at 8, I can’t even move or think.

I don’t keep all my thoughts and feelings locked inside though. I express my issues with my husband otherwise I can be mean or rude when I’m not trying to be, I’m just on overload and spilling my guts out to him makes me feel better and not so trapped in my own mind 24/7. I am very grateful I have a wonderful husband who tries, hint I said tries, to be understanding although it can be very tough for him to be. He does his best to make me feel better and always does an amazing job making me feel so loved.

I came home the other night, from work and dropping my daughter off with her dad, to a clean house! Dishes were done, house was picked up and vacuumed, clothes that had been sitting in a basket waiting to be put away, were already done, my daughter’s room was clean and her bed was made, and our room was cleaned and our bed was made! It was like walking into a breath of fresh air, things I had been stressing about in my mind were all taken care of and I didn’t even say a word to him about it.

My husband often surprises me with the fact we are so intuned with one other that I will think something and he will do it or say the thing I am thinking before I get the chance too. I’m lucky to have him to lean on and everyone needs that special someone to vent too, but even though I have my husband it doesn’t mean I don’t feel alone. I am still a mom, a woman, and he’s still a dad, a man, and we don’t always understand one another.

I know for a fact that I am not the only mom or person out there who feels the way I do, but we often don’t want to share our personal issues that are going on, or admit that we feel crazy and are spinning in circles. I am here to put myself out there and share how I am feeling so that other moms can relate and see that it is okay to talk about issues going on, to know they aren’t alone even though we often feel like we are, it is okay to lower our standards we have set for ourselves whether that be as a mom or as a wife, and to know that you are not the only one going crazy. I am right there with you, I’m going crazy too.

Going crazy is okay, we are moms and we can make it through this thing called life. No one ever said being a mom was going to be easy, however we wouldn’t trade it for anything in this world. There is nothing like being a mom and the OVERWHELMING love we experience from it… see not all overwhelming is bad, there is love and that is what keeps us held together!


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