Have you ever heard, every pregnancy is different? The same is true for every miscarriage. It can be just because of your family dynamics, how far you are along, mental or emotional stability or any of a number of things that can make the difference. A lot of the time it’s nothing you did or could have done to keep it from happening. At the risk of being real, open and vulnerable, here is the story of mine. *Note I will be giving details so it may be too much for some readers.
I was 23 years old and been married 3 years. I had a 2 year old and knew I wanted a big family. We got pregnant so quick after we got married we thought we would have at least 2 kids and pregnant with another by this time. It was an emotional struggle for me not be able to get pregnant again. Every month I would take a test to see if there was a positive. I wanted another kid for my son to be able to play with. So when it did finally happen, I was elated.
In January 2009, I was 6 weeks along and started bleeding. I went to the bathroom and felt a gush come out. I didn’t know what was going on but I knew I should get to the hospital. My husband and I went to the ER and they ran some tests. In my experience, ER Drs are not the most tactful or comforting. As was in this case. They left us alone for a while, we were scared, sad, unsure, anxious and tired. The dr finally came back in and told me I had been pregnant but now my levels were going down so it seems as though I had a miscarriage. They told me to follow up with my OB and she was able to confirm it. It was so difficult to hear. All this time I wanted to have a big family and I never thought I would be one to lose a baby. It was like having a really bad period.
This was so disappointing! We wanted to know why! It made me sad but then I got into fix it mode. My husband went down every route trying to figure out why we couldn’t get pregnant and why when we finally did, had a miscarriage. We both went through test and evaluations to see what the deal was. We did find out I had some cysts on my ovaries so we decided to have a surgery to remove them (even though there was no guarantee that was the cause of the infertility). The morning of the surgery, we get to the hospital and they get me prepped. Part of the prep for any surgery dealing with your ovaries is taking a pregnancy test. The dr came in to talk us through the procedure. Surprisingly enough, she said we couldn’t have the surgery! We were so confused. She told us we were pregnant! We were in such a disbelief. So excited and relieved, we thanked God and got to call all our family to tell them the good news.
Fast forward 2 kids later to November 2012, I found out I was pregnant for the 5th time praying for my 4th kid. It was another very exciting time. We started telling all our family and making plans for life with 4 kids.
In January 2013, I was about 10 weeks and went in for an ultrasound. The tech took us back and started looking around. I could tell something wasn’t right. After having so many ultrasounds with previous kids I kinda knew things to look for. When the tech tried to get a heartbeat, there was nothing. I knew right away what that meant. The tech finished quickly and left the room. I got up and started getting dressed trying to keep it together at least until I could ball my eyes out without anyone seeing me. My husband didn’t know what to do so he tried to comfort me. As soon as he touched me the tears started flowing. I couldn’t stop crying. It was embarrassing because I don’t like people seeing me cry and I still had to go talk to my dr about the results. Luckily, I was able to walk through the offices so I would have the least contact with people. When the dr came in the room, she tried to be as delicate as possible but I couldn’t pull it together. The more she said, the more I cried. The more my husband tried to comfort me, the more I cried.
She asked me if I wanted to have a surgery(DNC) to get everything out. Since I had all c-sections with my previous kids, I really didn’t want a surgery. I told her I would just let the process happen naturally. Thinking it would be easier on my body, going by my previous experience with miscarriage, I went home. This was not the case by any means! I ended up going through labor to pass part of the baby. It was so painful and unexpected. I thought for sure that was it. It was done and I could grieve. I went back to the dr to see if it had all passed and to my dismay there was still some left. I went through the process of going home, letting it pass naturally and going back to the dr to recheck for a week and a half. Finally, I gave in to having a DNC to just finish it.
The whole process took a major toll on me physically, mentally and emotionally. My body was so worn out from the labor and pain. I became depressed and very withdrawn. I didn’t care about anything. I never wanted to hurt myself or anyone else but I also didn’t feel much. I didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, see anyone. I didn’t understand what was going on with me.
One day, my husband looked at me and told me “You’re not a nice person”. That was a big eye opener for me because my moodiness has never bothered him. I knew it had to be bad for him to say something to me. I talked to my dr and told him what was going on with me. He suggested to start some anti-depressants and go to a therapist to talk it out. I was reluctant to do both. That meant I couldn’t handle things on my own. I never wanted to be dependant on medicine of any kind and talking to a stranger about my life was awkward. After talking with my husband, I decided it was better to get myself healthy than to get stuck on my pride.
The meds helped me but I was so determined to not be dependant on meds I tried to ween myself off (without telling my dr). Not a good idea. That made me take a few steps back. I stayed on them until my dr thought I was ready to get off them and he could help me get off them. Talking to the therapist helped for the time I was able to go. I only stopped because of financial reasons.
I now am back on the meds due to postpartum with my 5th child (7th pregnancy). I have come to grips with wanting to be the best ME for my family and putting away any pride, stubbornness and misconception I have about mental health. Depression is no joke and I hope anyone reading this will talk to someone (Dr, friend, family, therapist) about what’s going on. You can talk to me if you want too! Have at least one person you can confide in and get good support. No one has to go through this alone.